You.... Know...

Ode to autumn...
Not of my life...

Only dreams and déjà vu...
Not exciting... Not dull...
Totally did best to listen....
A voice smarter than mine....
Just enough? In the right way? Whatever....
Came home...bdropped stuff off....
Also...
Drank a beer... Or two... Haha...
Smoke a bowl...
Put away stuff...
So made it to her house...
Gave her a beer and smoke...
Came home bout 9 to cook...
Because I do not want to be a not good mum...
Good and thank you....
Sometimes I want something....
I can only imagine more of....
Maybe uno mas.... Dos... Tres mas.... Mas...
It doesn't matter though...
Not sure I'm an okay person...
Desire... Open... Sky... Field...
Ain't it all daisies, doc?
Happy, shiny, clown face...
In need... Of weed... Again... Already...
Right now... Right now....
Bite me... Head bunt.... Fucker....
Because.... I feel it... Good...
Maybe bad... I smile... For bit....
With you.... Then...
Obligated to people...
Don't know how...
Just feel a want to....
Then all of a sudden... All of a sudden...
How I always feel this time of year....
Refuse to do anything... Out... Go out... No...
Spend a lot of time solo... Only... Me....
Because I only trust me....
Why is that?
Just do what I fucking want?
Fear... Hope... Fear.... Disappointment....
Even if you know I know....
I understand and know...
What if I don't mind?
It could be okay with me...
All have a sickness...
Some have compound, multilevel illness....
Me? Disordered... Out of order....
Obviously.... Obsanely so...
Timing means nothing....
Not anymore... Random spontaneity...
With you... Understand?
Want to let specifically you in....
A little chaos.... Not really....
Okay... But not really....
Some sadness....
Some joy as never seen....
Comfort bring us home....
Comfort takes us out....
Something in my bubble.... Ur bubble...
Alone because....
I want what I said...
Why can't they?
Let me go....
Will always be there....
Best as they.... When we can...
Let me on the journey....
Not just some girl....
Worth something.... Not much... But really...
Take this on.... Try me... I want...
Oh, to feel, taste, smell, see....
Sensory.... And more... And farther....
All doomed to something...
None can escape truth....
My truth can be a lie... To you.... Not me...
I walk home in the mud...
Having a thousand lonely husbands....
Some crazy soldiers.... Have gone by too...
Only to say happy birthday.... Xmas.... St. Patrick's...
Sometime... Or another....
Some do in a quiet way...
Go ahead, moon....
Laughing is great...
So..... We go.....
Family... Friends... Loved ones....
Everybody moves on....
I bask in the rain... The mud.... The chill....
To be okay... Human.... Creature....
Thinking... Breathing... Sharing....
I touch truths that are not mine....
Liking them.... So much... Because...
They are...
So mine....
Yet knowing what...
Because momma said...
Do it... You must...
So now here... Nowhere...
Only one solo....
On a ball in space.... In time...
Knowing the trust reluctantly....
As you are, as well...
Unwilling... Straining.... Striving....
Not really.... But okay....
Because it all comes easy....
Human creature.... Divine primate....
Death... Birth... Death.... Birth... Death....
Please, come and hold a shell...
To let it fill up...
Elemental elements....
Blending into nothingness....somethingness....
Wanting... Skull... Eyes... Hands.... Feet (even ugly)....
Speak to me.... Tell me to... Be quiet....
I need to hear... You may have a piece....
Pieces of it... All...
Truth.... Is truth.... Is a lie.... Is truth....
More than you know...
I feel left behind... But on track...
Take me on just a little...
Letting in more and more....
Making me want more....
Raw... Honest... Rough... Real....

I am.......

I am manic... Can't eat... Can't sleep... I'm running outta time and money...
I am lost in something that we call life... But it feels like strife to nowhere....
I want to here now and not floating around the universe...
I am to busy... Lost my time in my head and can't get out....
I am solo... Not solo... Anyone have the real time?
I am still a lover, dreamer, and a friend....
I am still a poet, and artist, and a friend....
I do not paint often... But I rhyme sometimes....
I am passionate...... But not how u think....
I am not stopping... Even if it hurts bad enough I want to...
For I am a purpose... A reason... A future corpse....
 We only have now... So I am being..... Me....

I am... Punk Rock...

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NowHere

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mania

Climbs the spine
Twists around the neck
Hard to move
Hard to hold still
Cannot sleep
Cannot think
Wanna IDK
Not Good
Not Bad
Mania
Got its hold for now
I run through a place I cannot share

Rocky Mountain High

So...
my gentleman...
 took me to the mountains... 
yesterday... we couldn't go... 
to the top... there was... to much ice... 
on the trail... it was awesome... none the less... 
we were... late... getting back... to town... 
i think... our kids... were a tad... pissed off... 
with us... we were high... on the mountain...
on the sky... on the the rocks... on the the snow... 
in our souls... lost track... of time...
 we needed... this lovely... break from the outer world... 

Paine

he makes me smile...
he doesn't treat me like a golden idol...
he says I look at him retarded...
he tells me I got an evil eye...
he says I am a beatiful woman...
he cooks like charm...
he is real and straight...
he he says my laser eyes burn his forehead...
he makes me feel giggly...
I am so happy...

best friends

my best friend is going away...
he messed up...
again....
i am getting my clan...
back together...
to live...
life is good for me...
right now...
just waiting for summer...
to go get the girls...
from texas...

oh, day...

when u know that somethings is...
wrong..
not right... yet, u stay where u r...
go nowhere to get...
away...
it is ur own fault....
then it builds up...
it explodes...
in ur face...
u suffer the pain...
knowing that u..
only u...
can stop this..
cycle..
the abuse we sustain...
is our own!!!

A yard with no grass...

A yard with no grass...
A small house...
A kitchen...
A bathroom...
A living space...
My girls...
My man...
Our dog...
No fights...
Plenty of love...

These are the things I desire...

Food...
Shelter...
Medical coverage...
Plenty of love...

These are things I need...

Well, Me, Ok...

I like to cry in the shower where no one else can see...
This makes it easier to lie about how okay is me...
I try not to flinch from the fear of being hit...
I try not to fib about loss that I must admit...
I am a suicidal runaway that has strayed from both these ills...
I strive and climb and overcome with shear force of my wills...
I am alone though I am far from so...
I try so hard to finish last or just not go..
Before I meet my end I will tell my story...
Some is sweet but much is considered gory..

the other me...

the real me is loving and caring and wants to see no man come to harm..... the other me would knock you down and out for being weak and feeble in a World where is should not and is not tolerated...
the real me want to do something meaningful in this World... the other me is just wanting to knock this rock out of its position...
the real me has no problem staying on the Presidential Honors list... the other me would rather be a B-rate student and not get the attention...
the real me will let you lie to me and easily let you get away with it... the other me can knock you into next year for the same little lie...
the real me is strong and determined... the other me is also strong and determined...
the real me is about peace... the other me is about pieces...
the real me is just a girl trying hard not become the other me, who is just waiting for this World to end and won't stop until it does...

Van Gogh, 1886 --a pair of shoes... we have a little in common
 anxiety disorder- OCD and generalized anxiety (sometimes with phobia of public)
mood disorder- bipolar
personality disorder- antisocial (sociopath)
substance related- marijuana

ya...

the real me wants to make a difference in the World... the other me wants to blast this rock from its position...
the real me doesn't even have to try to stay on the Presidential Honors list... the other me would rather be a B student...
the real me is strong and determined... the other me is also strong and determined...
the real me will let you lie to her and get away with it... the other me will knock your head sideways for the same lie... (who r u?)
the real me is gentle and caring and wants to see no man come to harm... the other me would kill you in second for being weak and feeble in a World that should not and does not permit it... 
the real me is just a girl trying real hard not to become the other me...  because the other me just is waiting for the world to end and won't stop until it does...
the real me wants a man... the other me wants nothing...
the real me wants people to become aware... the other me loves your ignorance...
the real me is all love... the other me is real hate and discontent...

not yet...

Ich werde, sobald die Person, die immer mich bekommt / in der Mitte der die leere Stunde / packt mich und schüttelt mich ins Bewusstsein, dass ist schmerzlich unbestreitbar / Wenn Sie sagt, ich muss / sagen, etwas, die etwas bedeuten, kann / ich werde lassen Sie wissen / für jetzt ist Sie im Hintergrund die Vorbereitung für einen Besuch / ich bin so sicher